I think they're all married....or crazy....or there may not be any left.

So, I try the best I can to always be hopeful, to always be an optimist that someday, I will fall in love again. I've dated a few men in my three years of singledom and while some of them have been great guys and I've learned a lot through these experiences, I have not fallen in love since my ex-husband.

One guy I've dated a little over a year ago, brought to me by Match.com, really made me feel sparks. I even wrote in my journal "this is the type of guy I've been praying God would bring into my life" and after about 5 dates, he disappeared...literally. He just never called, texted, or emailed me again. He had told me how much he liked me, I told him how much I liked him. He was giddy and excited around me as I was to him and then POOF, gone. I confronted him about it about a month later after spending four consecutive weeks obsessing about what I could have done to scare him off---of course, the problem was me, right? (irrational thinking alert!) I retraced every step I had taken, every phonecall, voicemail, text, etc. I made it a point not to come on too strong, to take things in stride and it was unfolding beautifully and then he was gone. My therapist suggested I confront him, so I emailed him. I never expected to get a reply, but a week later, he did reply. He apologized, said I did nothing wrong, that he did, in fact, like me and acted like a coward. About 75% of me believed his words....the other 25% bitter part just chalked it up to "canned things to say when you meet someone else who you'd rather date than this girl" talk. To this day, I think of him and wish things could've been different, I suppose because he's been the only one to make my heart just...fall/fludder/skip a beat/insert cliché here?

Recently, I broke it off with a great guy after 8 weeks of dating. I just don't think he was great for me. I liked him, I had fun with him, but something inside me didn't make time for him. He was kind, thoughtful, cute, smart, ambitious, and he liked me. However, there was something missing for me. That something, I've come to theorize, is that seed that would grow into love.

Right now, I'm feeling pretty bummed about the whole single scene. It feels like a job some times. So many people ask me if I've met anyone, if I'm dating, if I've tried online dating.....yes, yes, and yes. But, have I found love yet? No, and that makes me sad. Sometimes, I really get angry that I've gone through so much with leaving my marriage and I was at a place where I was ready to be a wife, but it was taken from me. I'm not sure what else I can do to put myself out there to meet men, but I tell you, it's hard. Presently, I feel like just taking a break from it all...

This scene from the Sex & The City series describes how I feel right now:

 

Some tales from dating....

Over the last two single years, I've done a little dating (well, a lot...)

Here's how it's gone.....

1. The first actual date I went on after my breakup was just okay. The guy was nice and sweet, but not for me---mainly because he wasn't my exhusband. I cried the whole drive home, so much so that I could barely see the road. In hindsight, I should've pulled over.

2. I went out with another guy on two dates and on the second date, I revealed waaaaay too much abot my divorce, how I went to therapy, and how I was taking antidepressants. Note to self: this isn't second date conversation regardless of how much vodka you've consumed. Luckily, I've learned to censor myself!!! He asked me out for a third date that night, but never called me again. Disappearing Act #1.

3. Another guy I dated was the super OPPOSITE of my ex. He was chivalrous. He was religious. He was a hard worker. He had dark thick hair (instead of highlghted balding hair!! ha ha!). He loved his family deeply and made time for them. He was insainly smart. He was conservative. He was thoughtful. He was the anti-ex husband. He was great. I dated him for six months. It was a wonderful time in my life and he really helped me heal. He helped me see I was "somebody" again. In my heart of hearts, I knew it wasn't going to be a serious, long-term relationship, but at the time, it just felt right and it was just exactly what I needed. I remember him fondly and he is going to be the best husband and father someday and whoever marries him will be a lucky gal!

4. The lull.................After the breakup w/ #3, I was on a lull, a drought, a hiatus (unintentional!), a famine.....you get the picture....for about 4-5 months.

5. I met a guy at a bar with live music while out w/ some other single gals (who since has coupled up with fellas and I never hear from them.....ugh). I was just ordering drinks and it took forever and I just started talking to the guy next to me. After a few more drinks and talking, I ended up kissing him. Fast forward to making out like a 17-year old at a high school dance for the next 45 minutes with this guy. We must have looked ridiculous!!! We exchanged numbers. He called me. We went out. I realized this guy was, in fact, a great guy, but not a great guy for me. The girl from Saturday night was much more into him than the girl I was on a Thursday evening after work. I told him I was "just not ready to date yet" after the divorce......I figured it was the least harmful thing to say and actually, probably still pretty accurate because even though I wanted to fall in love, I was really feeling good about just focusing on me, especially after the six-month thing (See #3) had busted up and at this point, I knew it was a rebound and delayed some of my healing process--despite all of the healing it did for me as well.

More to come......