So, I know I usually post about home decor-related stuff, but my blog is about new beginnings in general, therefore, I'm taking a little writing liberty here and delving into the subject of dating.
Two years ago, on Valentine's Day, my exhusband and I went to my favorite restaurant in Providence. It was a big night out and we had been (well, I had been) trying to focus more on spending quality time together. We had a big discussion back on Superbowl Sunday (I think Feb 2 or something) about how although we'd been only married for 7 months, we had been living together for 3 years and not spending enough quality time together. I have NO idea how we got on the subject of honesty, but he even held my hand across the table when the subject of infidelity came up and said something along the lines of "I'd have to be so stupid to mess this up...why would I throw our life together away?" Meanwhile, he was having sex with some 24 year old floozy from Craigslist (who knew he was married) on the side!!!! Lord! Our marriage broke up exactly ONE week later on Feb 21--that was the day I found his phone in our bed and the text messages from the Craigslist floozy. I left that night and never looked back....
Now, two years later, my life is just so different. Of course, at the core, I have the same job and same friends, and same family, but I'm just truly different. I feel like February 2009 was the month I became an adult. I was 28 at the time (one month from 29) and I look back and I see a naive kid. I girl who was all too willing to settle for the sake of this man. And, to be honest, I look back and wonder what was it that I loved about him so much? Who knows....the girl I am today is not the 24 year old girl that fell for him. The girl I am today is much more confident, self-assured, proud, and determined. Sure, I have moments when I hate being single and wonder just *when* I will feel that jolt of love again....but ultimately, I'm pretty satisfied with things overall.
So, what does Valentine's Day mean to me now? It's funny, I look back on that Valentine's Day with my ex and it wasn't anything too great. Sure, we had this decadent meal out and I had a good looking man sitting across the table from me, but in hindsight, I realize now that life was a lie.....tonight, I won't be having a fancy date, in fact, I have no date at all. I'll be going to teach my spin class at 5:45 like I do every Monday night and then I'm coming home to do some schoolwork, watch some shows on my DVR, and do some laundry. It will be a great night because it will be real and authentic.
I won't be looking back on this Valentine's Day thinking "Hmmmm, I wonder if he texted her on V-Day something like 'I wish I was you, not her...ugh'" or something else horrible like that! I will not be disappointed when he gives me a piece of heart jewelry (ugh, I HATE heart jewelry and he gave me heart jewelry about 2-3 times, who knows whY!), I won't be disappointed when he acts annoyed he ha to get me a card. I won't be disappointed in a man...(particularly that man!).....period!
I will look back and think: "I was with someone who'll never betray me: Myself."
Thank you for this post. It's hard to believe that it gets better. You seem like you really have your life together and are happy. I hope to get there some day too. You give me hope.
ReplyDeleteHey Meredith! Don't get me wrong, you have to do the work--you've got to mourn the loss of your relationship, the life you thought you'd have with your ex, and everything else in between! Feel the pain now and get thru it--or else it'll linger there until you finally do feel it! Take it day by day and be good to yourself! I'm glad my thoughts have helped you!
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