Saturday, February 25, 2012

I think they're all married....or crazy....or there may not be any left.

So, I try the best I can to always be hopeful, to always be an optimist that someday, I will fall in love again. I've dated a few men in my three years of singledom and while some of them have been great guys and I've learned a lot through these experiences, I have not fallen in love since my ex-husband.

One guy I've dated a little over a year ago, brought to me by, really made me feel sparks. I even wrote in my journal "this is the type of guy I've been praying God would bring into my life" and after about 5 dates, he disappeared...literally. He just never called, texted, or emailed me again. He had told me how much he liked me, I told him how much I liked him. He was giddy and excited around me as I was to him and then POOF, gone. I confronted him about it about a month later after spending four consecutive weeks obsessing about what I could have done to scare him off---of course, the problem was me, right? (irrational thinking alert!) I retraced every step I had taken, every phonecall, voicemail, text, etc. I made it a point not to come on too strong, to take things in stride and it was unfolding beautifully and then he was gone. My therapist suggested I confront him, so I emailed him. I never expected to get a reply, but a week later, he did reply. He apologized, said I did nothing wrong, that he did, in fact, like me and acted like a coward. About 75% of me believed his words....the other 25% bitter part just chalked it up to "canned things to say when you meet someone else who you'd rather date than this girl" talk. To this day, I think of him and wish things could've been different, I suppose because he's been the only one to make my heart just...fall/fludder/skip a beat/insert cliché here?

Recently, I broke it off with a great guy after 8 weeks of dating. I just don't think he was great for me. I liked him, I had fun with him, but something inside me didn't make time for him. He was kind, thoughtful, cute, smart, ambitious, and he liked me. However, there was something missing for me. That something, I've come to theorize, is that seed that would grow into love.

Right now, I'm feeling pretty bummed about the whole single scene. It feels like a job some times. So many people ask me if I've met anyone, if I'm dating, if I've tried online dating.....yes, yes, and yes. But, have I found love yet? No, and that makes me sad. Sometimes, I really get angry that I've gone through so much with leaving my marriage and I was at a place where I was ready to be a wife, but it was taken from me. I'm not sure what else I can do to put myself out there to meet men, but I tell you, it's hard. Presently, I feel like just taking a break from it all...

This scene from the Sex & The City series describes how I feel right now:


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