"How did you get through it?" is a question a few of my friends have asked me lately. Unfortunately, there is a reason why they've asked me: they, too, are getting divorced unexpectedly due to a dreaful "dealbreaker-esque" situation like me.
You see, my ex-husband (and significant other of 5+ years) had a problem. His problem was grossly similar to recent fallen Congressman Weiner's problem (search for his recent scandals if you don't understand the reference). Dealbreakers happen no matter how much you believe in the institutuion of marriage. Believe me, I never ever wanted to get divorced, let alone divorced after 8 months of marriage and at age 29. But, alas, what we want isn't always what we get. However, almost two and half years later, I feel quite removed from the pain I once experienced. Having gone through this rollercoaster ride that is divorce puts me in a separate team of women....I don't feel like every 31 year old single girl. I feel different. I feel divorced.
Divorce is like a death. I spent almost every day with a man for 5 years and then, poof......he was gone. We talked only a few times after the "day" of separation and I only stood in the same room as him twice. Our realtor even arranged for us to sell our house and sign the closing papers separately. Standing next to him in the court room on September 16, 2009 was probably the most surreal experience of my life. Well, no, it was the second most....the first was when I saw him bust out of the court room after the judge dismissed our case, allowing the court room gate to swing back and forth on its hinge, he turned the corner to the elevator shaft and was walking so fast, his jack flew open and then, that was it....he was gone--never ot be seen with my eyes in person again (well, at least to this day!)
How did I do it?
1. I cried. I journaled. I talked. I slept. I wore crappy sweatpants around my parents' house for 2 days straight and called out of work (which isn't easy when you teach high school and you can berely see a reason to live, let alone make lesson plans.)
2. I went to therapy once a week.
3. I read lots of divorce books.
4. I started a better way of eating and exercised more and lost a whole size of "just married weight" I had gained.
5. I went out with ANYONE who wanted to.
6. I sold my house, bought a new one, and had a blast decorating it. I remember coming over here and painting the living room and bedroom before I moved the furniture in and listened to breakup music on my ipod and sang REALLY loud in my empty house filled with lovely acoustic echoes!
7. I reconnected with my parents and sister and found a relationship with them I never would have had if I had stayed married. We're closer than ever now.
8. I threw myself back into teaching and developed better lessons, went to more school events, and met with more students after school.
9. I kissed boys I didn't know and would never see again. He he he he....
10. I mourned the loss of the life I thought I had......and thought I would have someday. This is still work at times. I thought that I'd be close to celebrating my 3rd anniversary right now.....but instead, I am living a life that is completely different, but I tell you, no less fulfilling I think!
More to come on this....
If you're going through this right now, don't worry. There is light at the end of the tunnel.